Sex Before Marriage? :: Abstinence Works!

Waiting until marriage to have sex is the best way to enjoy life as God intended. There are good reasons behind God’s instruction which improves relationship building and also safeguards our physical, mental and spiritual health. Avoiding sex before marriage is possible by seeking out the strength of Christ.

God has given us many things richly to enjoy and some guidelines as well. He has defined some areas as ‘no go zones’ as far as our behaviour is concerned. Essentially all God’s rules are for our benefit. Nowhere is this more clearly seen than in the way he has given one of his greatest gifts: human sexuality.

This is a ‘relational’ gift: ideally one woman and one man relate for life in all ways and not least at the sexual level. New humans are formed by a couple’s relating and their relationship sustains and enriches the whole of their lives. The Bible is quite clear about aspects that need to be part of such a relationship and just as clear about what should not be included. Commitment, faithfulness and the general potential for children rank as high positives. Aggression, lust and promiscuousness are all strong negatives.

Abstinence from sex until marriage is key for building an intimate and long lasting relationship. It draws two people closer together emotionally and is a special time when each person can spend time getting to know one another. The desire to avoid sex before marriage encourages self control which ultimately demonstrates trust to a partner. In turn this trust allows vulnerability towards each other producing a fruitful and intimate relationship.

A relationship with a regular pattern of worldly lust draws attention away from a true and deep relationship because lust is selfish. A truly satisfying relationship is expressed where one is mindful of the other in selfless thought and action. Lust is harmful because it seeks objects of desire to please oneself first and often without regard to the consequences. Promiscuity is part of lust, that degrades trust because it lacks self control and tends to view sex and people more casually. Sex is a sacred and beautiful part of marriage, and shouldn’t be seen as a casual act to satisfy superficial desires and insecurities.

Bible interpretation

Sex allows a couple to become like one person, they are joined together to stay together. God designed sex exclusively for a married couple as the following Bible verses reveal.

In Proverbs 5.15-17 from the Bible it says, “You should be faithful to your wife, just as you take water from your own well. And don’t be like a stream from which just any woman can have a drink. Save yourself for your wife and don’t have sex with other women“.

Here we see that sex is reserved for marriage and that the married couple would have an intimate relationship because they share a level of relating that exists with no other person apart from their spouse (marriage partner). Sex defines marriage and to have sex with someone other than the spouse would be adultery (cheating on the spouse). Sex gives meaning to the marriage because limiting sex to one partner, which is the spouse, expresses commitment and encourages the couple to invest emotionally in each other because they know they will remain together until death parts them.

In 1 Corinthians 6.15-16 from the Bible it says, “Don’t you know that your bodies are part of the body of Christ? Is it right for me to join part of the body of Christ to a prostitute? No, it isn’t! Don’t you know that a man who does that becomes part of her body? The Scriptures say, “The two of them will be like one person”“.

It’s obvious that one should avoid having sex with a prostitute, but is it because she is called a prostitute or because of the acts that are carried out? A prostitute is known for having sex with more than one person without any strings attached, and more specifically commitment is not a prerequisite for sex. There is no condition for a prostitute to be committed to one person now or in the future, doing so would hinder their profession. To have sex before marriage would be like having sex with a prostitute in the sense that there is no commitment involved.

Christ loves and died for all of us so that we can receive God’s grace and the gift of eternal life. There is no distinction between prostitutes or law abiding citizens or people that hold a higher social status in this case. The purpose of 1 Corinthians 6.15-16 is not so much to pick on prostitutes, but to talk about their actions as an example of sexual immorality, in which all people, and not just prostitutes, experience temptation to sin (or do things their own way, instead of God’s way).

In Mark 10.6-9 from the Bible it says, “… in the beginning God made a man and a woman. That’s why a man leaves his father and mother and gets married. He becomes like one person with his wife. Then they are no longer two people, but one. And no one should separate a couple that God has joined together“.

When two people become like one person through sex, they are joined together with the purpose of not separating. Sex is only ever for the marriage partner.

From Proverbs 5.15-17 we see that sex is saved for marriage, from Corinthians 6.15-16 we see that sex in marriage has a purpose because it joins two people together, and from Mark 10.6-9 we see how sacred sex and marriage are because God designed these to join a couple with no point of separation.

Marriage is the way of declaring to God, yourself, your partner and your friends and family that you will remain with your partner until the end of your short life in this world. Marriage involves two people committing their vow to God (spiritual commitment), willingly committing themselves to each other until one dies (emotional commitment) and joining together as one in the act of sex (physical commitment).

How far is too far?
Pastor Mark Driscoll from Mars Hill Church in Seattle explains from a Biblical perspective the boundaries in physical activity for a couple that are not married in the following video. Mark also briefly mentions in the video the topic of birth control for a married couple. Full detail of this can be found on his blog post where certain forms of birth control are described as permissible and other forms are explained as sinful.

Relational thoughts

Some thoughts for men
It can be difficult at times following sex abstinence. However there is a purpose in not having sex before marriage. The desire to avoid temptation produces discipline, strength, clear thought and most of all the character of love.

Women tend to focus on emotional needs where as men have more physical needs. However both genders obviously have desires that are emotional as well as physical. Finding ways apart from sex to relate to your partner will improve the relationship. Try using your time before marriage to learn how to please your partner emotionally without sexual activity.

A real man will look out for his partner’s best interests. This includes protecting her heart from the harmful consequences of sex before marriage. A real man will not pressure his partner into sexual activity. Many women find it hard to say no, even when they prefer to wait until marriage.

Some thoughts for women
A woman may find it tempting to appeal to the physical temptations which a man experiences. A woman must not encourage a man to consider what she wouldn’t otherwise; she needs to be aware of her actions. God looks out for our best interests and it his him we must trust before anyone else. Sexual activity in God’s purpose finds its proper place in the context of two people sharing their entire lives, not just part of them.

Demonstrating that you want to avoid sex before marriage can earn trust from your partner. The more your partner can trust you the more likely he will feel comfortable getting close emotionally. If you want to be special and well respected then focus on supporting your partner in avoiding temptation.

Men are obviously attracted to a woman’s beauty. This includes inner beauty which comes from the heart and its desires. Expressing beautiful character without sexual insinuation will contribute to bonding and a more stable relationship. A boyfriend who loves you for who you are on the inside is more likely to stick around than a guy who is solely focused on your appearance.

The five love languages
Pastor Mark Driscoll from Mars Hill Church in Seattle talks about the five love languages (originally developed by Dr. Gary Chapman) for understanding and relating to your partner in the following video. When Mark talks about the love language of touch, it should be clear that physical non-sexual touch is permissible before marriage, but not sexual touch.

Sexual compatibility excuse

If you haven’t heard it already, you are bound to hear this one – “a couple must have sex before marriage to determine if they’re sexually compatibile“. This statement is misleading and is a lie.

Sexual compatibility is confounded particularly to those who have had a history of more than one sexual partner. It would not be uncommon for such people to be plagued by thoughts and considerations in comparing each sexual partner, meaning that sex in marriage is potentially degraded. Let’s face it, if you haven’t had any previous sexual partners, then sex with your spouse is the best! For those who have had previous sexual partners, God forgives and it is through him that you will find healing and restoration. Look forward and not backwards and you will see that your spouse is your only sexual partner and so there is no point comparing.

As one gets older and wiser it becomes apparent that the best sex is relational, of which trust and commitment are key emotional factors. Trust and commitment is expressed purely through the sacred act of marriage. God designed us to enjoy life a particular way, and venturing off his path will not be the most satisfying. Tim and Beverly LaHaye, in their book titled The Act of Marriage (Zondervan, 1998), cited two studies that suggested Christians were more sexually satisfied than people subscribing to no particular religion.

If one must have sex with many partners to find a sexually compatible match, as opposed to simply finding sexual satisfaction in only ever one partner, it says something worth keeping in mind. It’s much harder to find sexual satisfaction using our own knowledge of what makes great sex. For the obedient believers, God will enhance all aspects of marriage because he is for marriage, and sex is one such aspect. Listening to God about what makes great character will be a boost to sexual satisfaction. Great character is humility, patience and commitment for starters; and demonstration of such traits will help get the relational side of sex right which is key to getting the best sex right. As for the technical “know-how” side of sex, learning this together in marriage will be a wonderful bonding experience as you get to explore and know your spouse. Learning off one another is intimate and relational and beats taking away the mystery of sex and knowing what to do before you’ve even had sex!

Determining sexual compatibility does not require sexual experience. First, listen to the way of God in things like how to relate to each other as sex is not simply functional. Second, use common sense and talk about it with your partner before marriage in a safe non-tempting environment. If you want sex four times a week and your partner wants sex once a year, you might be in for a problem. These two methods suffice and any other method may be in danger of opposing God and therefore degrading any chance of sexual compatibility.

Facts

Premarital sex and regret
Most teenagers regret an early commencement of experience in sex (63% of boys and 69% of girls).
Source: Albert, B. (2004). With One Voice: America’s Adults and Teens Sound Off About Teen Pregnancy. Washington, DC: National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy.

A female psychiatrist once spoke of her own sexual experimentation in her teenage years, “The longest-standing, deepest wound I gave myself was heartfelt; that sick, used feeling of having given a precious part of myself–my soul–to so many and for nothing, still aches. I never imagined I’d pay so dearly and for so long.“
Source: Tom and Judy Lickona, with William Boudreau, M.D. (1994). Sex, Love and You. Notre Dame: Ave Maria Press, p. 70.

Promiscuity degrades fruitful relationships
Teenagers who submit to sex before marriage are likely to experience lower self-respect, fear of commitment and depression.
Source: Tom and Judy Lickona, with William Boudreau, M.D. (1994). Sex, Love and You. Notre Dame: Ave Maria Press, pp. 62-77.

Link between premarital sex and sadness
Sexually active boys are more than twice as likely to have depression and eight times more likely to attempt suicide, compared with non-sexually active boys. Sexually active girls are more than three times more likely to have depression and nearly three times more likely to attempt suicide, compared with non-sexually active girls.
Source: Robert Rector (2006). Abstinence Promotion. In Issues 2006: The Candidate’s Briefing Book (pp. 99-103). Washington: The Heritage Foundation.

Actions and consequences
Of girls that began sexual activity at age 13 or 14, 30% have had an abortion.
Source: Robert Rector (2006). Abstinence Promotion. In Issues 2006: The Candidate’s Briefing Book (pp. 99-103). Washington: The Heritage Foundation.

Resisting sex before marriage (it’s never too late!)

It doesn’t matter what sins we have committed in the past. It’s about who we are now that matters to God and makes us the people we are. Resisting sex before marriage will bring healthy benefits and allow a person to be more Christ centred. If we belong to Jesus then we will inherit eternal life and the blessings of God’s kingdom.

Christians will be completely free from sin after death and live an everlasting life full of love, without pain or suffering. A key concern is that Satan tries to keep people away from the gift of eternal life. The next paragraph explains some of his strategies.

Satan tries to prevent non-Christians from hearing God’s truth and inheriting eternal life by distracting them with sin. For those who are Christians, he will attempt to turn them away from God. A method Satan uses is to make them feel unworthy because of the sin they commit. Don’t be discouraged by these traps! By God’s grace and our faith in Jesus we are made acceptable to God, not by obedience. However that is no excuse to do whatever we want.

1 John 1.8, 1 Corinthians 6.11-12 and Romans 8.12-15 point out the position that believers hold in regards to sin and following the way of God.

1 John 1.8: “If we say that we have not sinned, we are fooling ourselves, and the truth isn’t in our hearts“.

1 Corinthians 6.11-12: “… now the name of our Lord Jesus Christ and the power of God’s Spirit have washed you and made you holy and acceptable to God’. Some of you say, “We can do anything we want to.” But I tell you that not everything is good for us. So I refuse to let anything have power over me“. The Holy Spirit, also known as God’s Spirit; lives in believers to testify for God’s grace, and provide renewal and guidance according to the way of God.

Romans 8.12-15: “we must not live to satisfy our desires. If you do, you will die. But you will live, if by the help of God’s Spirit you say “No” to your desires. Only those who are led by God’s Spirit are his children. God’s Spirit doesn’t make us slaves who are afraid of him. Instead, we become his children and call him our Father“.

Whether Christian or non-Christian, we are all sinners before God in this life. However the mark of a Christian by the power of the Holy Spirit is the desire to turn away from sin, so that it no longer becomes a habit. Christians do not use God’s saving grace as an excuse to do whatever they want, rather they understand that the desire to live by God’s word is the best way and only way to truly live.

Christians have the Holy Spirit because of God’s grace and their faith in Jesus Christ. By the power of the Holy Spirit a person can live a new life that they have not known before. A Christian is someone who has made an agreement with God through prayer. The agreement involves a person:
1. Admitting they have sinned and need forgiveness to restore their relationship with God
2. Accepting Jesus as their Lord and Saviour

An example of such a prayer is:
“Dear Father, I know that I am a sinner and need forgiveness. I believe Jesus was a sacrifice for my sin. I want to turn away from sin. I now invite Jesus Christ to come into my heart and life as my personal saviour. I am willing to follow and obey Christ as the Lord of my life.“

Written by Simon Rose, John Kidson and Rebecca Martin.

Scripture quotation taken from the Holy Bible, Contemporary English Version.

Related links

Porn again Christian: A frank discussion on pornography by Mark Driscoll, a Pastor from Mars Hill Church in Seattle.

What I know about overcoming homosexuality: Dazza’s story of how his homosexuality originally developed and how he later turned away from it. Article produced by sydneyanglicans.net.